#Steven  Wright Joke%I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
#Steven  Wright Joke%What's another word for Thesaurus?
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then 
sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
#Steven  Wright Joke%When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'
#Steven  Wright Joke%I lost a button hole today.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I met her at Macy's.  She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.
#Steven  Wright Joke%When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
 I was an only child........  eventually.....
#Steven  Wright Joke%Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them.
#Steven  Wright Joke%George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
#Steven  Wright Joke%Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo...  He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...
#Steven  Wright Joke%All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. 
#Steven  Wright Joke%The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
#Steven  Wright Joke%Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving... every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was...
#Steven  Wright Joke%Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
#Steven  Wright Joke%He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money?
 ...He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
#Steven  Wright Joke%One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole
building started up.... So I drove it around....  A policeman stopped me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said,  'Right here'...  Then I drove my building onto the middle of a  highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
#Steven  Wright Joke%If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
#Steven  Wright Joke%For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
#Steven  Wright Joke%Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
#Steven  Wright Joke%For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
 [slow glance upward]
#Steven  Wright Joke%This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
#Steven  Wright Joke%There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call...... it was from a woman in France.......she said "Cut it out"......
#Steven  Wright Joke%Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
#Steven  Wright Joke%The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....
#Steven  Wright Joke%Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
#Steven  Wright Joke%The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
 Fred, Barney..
#Steven  Wright Joke%My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his birthtmark til he  was eight years old.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.  He was fun
when he was a puppy.  I named him Stay.  When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF).
 He's a lot smarter than that now.  Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I
said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?'  He said 'I don't know'.  I said 'I don't want your job'.
#Steven  Wright Joke%When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?'  I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
#Steven  Wright Joke%I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
#Steven  Wright Joke%I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.
#Steven  Wright Joke%My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can  ask him what he meant.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything  specific.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'
#Steven  Wright Joke%Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.  My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
#Steven  Wright Joke%In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were they mad!
#Steven  Wright Joke%I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
#Steven  Wright Joke%Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old.'  I said, 'I'll wait...'
#Steven  Wright Joke%Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.'  I said 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.' ...
#Steven  Wright Joke%... Then she said, 'How do you feel?'  And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time.'
#Steven  Wright Joke%I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I have a full-size map of the world.  At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch".  I hardly ever unroll it.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the  guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're  open 24-hours."  He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
#Steven  Wright Joke%My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just  that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
#Steven  Wright Joke%A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."
#Steven  Wright Joke%I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.
#Steven  Wright Joke%After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
#Steven  Wright Joke%You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
#Steven  Wright Joke%My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ...  well, to make a long story short ... 
#Steven  Wright Joke%I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
#Steven  Wright Joke%It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
#Steven  Wright Joke%I filled out an apllication that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
#Steven  Wright Joke%Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there...Confuse the hunters.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
#Steven  Wright Joke%When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
#Steven  Wright Joke%When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side, and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending to push stroller)..."You had a brother, but he was bad."
#Steven  Wright Joke%I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
#Steven  Wright Joke%Why is the alphabet in that order?
#Steven  Wright Joke%I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only studder in spanish.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road;
 I don't know how I got there.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I installed a skylight in my apartment....
 The people who live above me are furious!
#Steven  Wright Joke%I play the harmonica.  the only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  the harmonica sounds *AMAZING*. 
#Steven  Wright Joke%I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
#Steven  Wright Joke%My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your life!" 
#Steven  Wright Joke%My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.  I said "the whole time".
#Steven  Wright Joke%I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven n, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real  easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down 
to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother  was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
#Steven  Wright Joke%"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet  in the shape of a ouigi board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
#Steven  Wright Joke%One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign."  I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
#Steven  Wright Joke%The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean.
 Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
#Steven  Wright Joke%They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I bought some used paint.  It was in the shape of a house.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I woke up one morning and looked around the room.  Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica.  I couldn't believe it... I got my roommate and showed him.  I said, "Look at this--everything's  been replaced with an exact replica!"  He said, "Do I know you?"
#Steven  Wright Joke%A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
#Steven  Wright Joke%You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it...
#Steven  Wright Joke%I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
#Steven  Wright Joke%The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
#Steven  Wright Joke%My house is made out of balsa wood.  When no one is home across the street,except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head.  I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Sometimes I...No, I don't.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
#Steven  Wright Joke%I used to work at a health food store.  I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
#Steven  Wright Joke%Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?  I don't get it...
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